Really nervous today.....this very well could be the week I find out. Oh My...this has been a rough month. No more posts until the news comes....

So a little birdie told me that Ed Psych will make its notifications for the graduate admissions next week. Whether or not this is true, it brings about the realization that my future is about to be dictated in some fashion. There's a lot that comes with something like that. I'm prepared, one way or another....I think. I hope. I guess hoping is not very self-actualizing of me...bad therapist!

For now I just want to put on some shorts and hit the treadmill, I need to move all of this stuff out of me. I feel obsessed and consumed by this and I'm getting tired of it. I mean, it's not odd to be so fixated by something which carries so much weight, but the sheer emotional energy I have invested is wearing me down a bit. I've carried this weight for months....well over a year, really.

Looking forward to another pleasantly bustling Saturday with a blood donation, lunch at Cafe Shambala and coffee at Jack Mormon. Then off to errands and all of those enjoyable weekend tasks which I can do of my own volition and on my own time-including another day on the slopes Sunday.
A movie night with Matt & Crishelle planned for Saturday night will help, also. It's hard to ignore one's sense of humor in that context. Laughs would serve me well. I need to remember to not lose myself in this stress.

Still nothing but silence in the graduate school ether. I am sure it will be any day now but that's all I'm sure of. Just trying to keep myself occupied with other things for the time being.

This has been a tough week in general.

I find some relief when I remind myself of how fortunate I am right now. No everything is where I imagined it would be at this point in life, but I am healthy, I am working a job I really enjoy and making enough money to be okay. I am financially secure and smart and have managed to take care of myself and maintain independence in that sense. I have wonderfully supportive parents (especially my father) who have had my back for my entire life without question. I have a wonderful fiance (I hate that word, so perhaps I'll defer to 'future husband') whom I love and who loves me back and affirms that regularly in both action and words. I have wonderful friends whose presence in my life is truly a joy. I have a darling, furry little feline who greets me every day when I get home.

So I am dealing with the stress of not knowing what the year will hold for me-or even the next week for that matter. I am prepared to face life either way, whether my dream is accomplished this year or deferred for yet another one.

Feeling that daily strain of awaiting news for grad school...each day is another 24 hours of quiet stress. I am not frequently a high-stress or anxious person, and even my anxious side is often utterly unrecognizable. I am sure I seem an rational and calm as always, but inside there is a consistent buzz of worry, doubt and hope.

AAAAAGGGHHHH! Still no word on admission. Brain cells are poaching slowly! That is all.

I dreamed last night that I was on vacation in Colorado. The first recollection is of riding a commuter train which derails just a few cars behind us, causing our car to jolt violently, lights flickering, sparks flying and people frantically holding onto the railings. Apparently we survived unharmed. The next moment I recall, we are at Mile High Stadium watching a Rockies game. The sky is gray and throughout the game several passenger jets en route to landing at DIA soar overhead, some appearing to be far below safe elevation and distractingly close to us. After settling myself with the sensation of concern that one of the planes may get too close, I look to the horizon and see the dwarfing nose of a jet plummeting towards the stadium. The plane roars closer and crashes swiftly into the stadium, directly to the left of us, missing us all by just a few hundred yards. The stadium shakes and screams and panic ensue. I recall myself calmly exiting the seat and running to leave the stadium. I then recall standing in the parking lot with my loved ones and looking back on the stadium, which is billowing smoke. People are fleeing, some leaping to escape the wreck. Although I can see this even is horrendous, somehow the true complexity of it is missing-there's no sense of abiding horror or loss of innocence. Somehow although I seem to process the gravity of it and my survival, I am peaceful and unshaken by it.

Still no word on my application. Little twinges of anxiety come about here and there, they tend to last longer these days as I get closer to the timeline the faculty seemed to indicate for when they would notify applicants. So much riding on a few pieces of paper....