I'm talking about me here, people....not you...unless I say that I am. :)

Game-Changers

2011 will go down as a banner year for amazing changes in my life. First the engagement in late December, then admission to the professional counseling program in March, and now a promotion to the Director position in my office with my colleague's departure in July. If all goes well, the next big one will be moving out in August and Ryan and I having the house all to ourselves-I am really looking forward to it! Boy is that needed badly!

I am counting my blessings today-challenges will come along with them, but I face them gladly and with thankfulness for the opportunities that I have earned with great work and great patience.

Troubles on the homefront again. Now faced with the reality that we could live together and make our relationship real and "grown-up," he shuts down and defers to the old doubts and fears. I leave at 4 in the morning, into a shockingly unseasonal snow storm and highways that are un-plowed. I slog along any roads that can be driven in such conditions, and make it back to my parent's house, to see the little face of my cat watching me as I walk through the door. No sleep, just sitting on the couch with the cat as she purrs contentedly. I turn on the TV and meander about for something meaningful. I end up watching one of my collection of semi-dark Rom-Coms about the pathetic dissolution of relationships. When the sun rises and parents awake, I surprise them by my unexpected presence and relate to them my recent movements. Day is spent between songs and films and a brief outing to circle the grocery store, knowing I need to go in and get things, but feeling unmotivated to do anything but drive.
Bad dreams strike at me when I doze off to sleep in the late afternoon. I awake after only an hour or so has passed, pulse racing and eyes sore. I've been here before, nothing new. Know how to cope....might be becoming a pro at it.
Sunday is a little better, slept a bit better. Try to be motivated to eat-no luck. Just a cup of iced coffee, thanks.
Stay up too late that night, watching youtube videos on my laptop-my usual session of musical therapy. Makes me feel a little less alone, and less like I've made a horrible mistake. Find common ground with a new song:

"There's a fire burning in my heart
reaching a fever pitch, and it's bringin' me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare..."

Nothing like that ol' female empowerment in the face of heartbreak. Especially effective coming from a plus-sized, busty young woman with hair neatly beehived and bold, black eyeliner. Not a burnout Amy Winehouse alto, more of a powerful, rubinesque, Brit-motown girl. I like her, she's got sass.

Now here at work, quiet Monday as expected. Still combating office politics for promotion. Interview on Thursday-better blow them away with my professional acumen.

Going to do something a little crazed this afternoon-getting another tattoo. I know, so trite, huh? But this one has been on my mind for a while now, and when it does that for a couple years, I usually assume it's important to indulge it. It'll be #3...that's not so bad. Another badge for another stage of life and lesson learned the rough, hard-knocks way. I'm like a soft convict, with flowers and cats instead of skulls or Jesus marked on my back.

What about tonight? Dunno.
Maybe he'll haunt my doorstep, maybe not. There are words to say, but who knows if they'll be said. Not sure if the message made it all the way last night, anyway. I was tough-said things even when they were harshly real. I guess there comes a time when you have to, just so your head doesn't explode. Loving someone doesn't mean you never stand your ground. Besides, I'm not that kind of girl anyway...never tended to lay down and die. Never wanted to have someone else abuse my boundaries.

This day is interminable. Just want the clock to turn to 3 so I can go get my ink and go home and steel myself for the possibility of discussions tonight.