Somebody that I'd like to know....

hey I'm back! Not as though anyone will read this anyway! Things are much improved since my last post. Health is good in the family, Dad is finally retiring this year, and a new addition to the feline family; Puf. She's a sweetheart in the most obsequious way. In other news, living with Ryan now, although still have much of my stuff to move from the parent's house. Hoping that will happen soon as the winter is over. There are walls that need painting first. In case you ready my FB as well, you've likely noticed a recent fixation on the musical artist Wally De Backer, AKA Gotye. I discovered him through the usual channels of a recently huge single "Somebody that I used to Know" but quickly fell for the rest of his work, including his much older stuff and his more traditional rock music with 3-man band "The Basics." I fell short of a chance to see him live in Denver early this month, and fiances were tight such that an impromptu jaunt to Coachella in California was also not viable...and tickets sold out quickly. Now I am quietly following the normal threads-Facebook, Twitter, Gotye.com, for the eventual (hopefully) word of future appearences in the States. Some interviews indicated his intent to produce a larger show, with more theatrical and musical production, now that the money is undoubtedly flowing in. I hope those words, from the Wall-rus himself, are genuine, and that he will make good. However, considering the somewhat mixed reception he has received from silly fans who come for his single then leave mid-show (http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/music_blog/2012/04/coachella-2012-gotye.html) as well as the general exhaustion and (likely) desire to be home that I am sure he feels now, it may be a looong wait for me. He is also self-described as "not prolific" so that tendency to take his very sweet time may translate into his touring plans. Be that the case, I shall wait with mental fingers crossed for my chance to pay my respects to his art in person. For now, here's some lovely pictorial nuggets:

Photos courtesy of LA times music blog and Gotye.com

Catching Up

wow...the last 3 months have been....intense.

In summation, Ryan's HS reunion in Bonner Ferry, ID, starting the Director position at work, more money but certainly more bills, first days of full time graduate work in counseling, cat Bewbies struck and killed by a car, Ryan refi-ing the house and his family starting to prepare to move out, my near-miss with a MS diagnosis, father herniating a disk in his spine and 2 weeks of hospitals, clinics, meds and physical therapy....yikes.

Things are intense right now. More to come...

Starting Over

Ryan and I went on a 'date' last night, as in a real one. It was great-We laughed and had fun and talked about some of the bigger stuff for a little while, but then also just went with it. It was great. I must admit that I feel a nervousness about me now, wondering what will come next. I'm excited but also a little scared, hoping this is the right move. It felt right last night. I hope this will work out....I almost feel the way I would if we had just met and had a great first date-hoping for more.

Everything

Can I be everything in this? I want to be....that's a start. Starting is what matters.

Moving Forward

I suppose my instincts were right when all these blessings came into my life in the last 6 months...something was bound to go wrong, and it would be something massive.

My 7 year relationship, almost all happy and fun and joy and companionship, has dissolved. I suppose it has been a few months that this has been progressing, and part of me saw it. The other part of me wanted so badly for it to not be true. Hell...I don't even know what true is anymore.

But I'm not special, I'm no exceptional story-this is the tale that has been told a million times in coffee shops and on phones and in emails and I am sure on numerous other blogs. The end of an era is a common occurrence.

I have spent over 1/4 of my life thus far with him. I did so because I felt there was a future in it...and for the longest time there was no reason to doubt that. Now, there is no clarity and no comfort. Just me and the cat.

But it's okay. There are many things I am unsure of now, but I am sure that I must carry on. I have no idea what life will look like in 6 months-what will have transpired, what will have happened with this and everything else. I just don't know, I can't know. Big plans don't make much sense right now. I have to take this day by day.

For today, I will continue to steel myself and find comfort in little moments, few and far between as they may be.

When do you let go and when do you hold on tighter? I just feel like I don't know anymore. At what point is a relationship simply done? If you've had many good years with someone, how do you judge if (when things get hard) it is just a challenge or it it is the indication that the relationship has reached its natural conclusion? When do you stop fighting, when do you fight harder? I feel like I can't find the answers in either heart or mind this time.
I want it to be good again, I want both of us to care enough to work for it...but if we don't, or if one does and one doesn't....there's nothing that can be done, right?

Maybe I need to go away for a while-go sit on a beach somewhere and lose life all together. But then wouldn't I be just running away? Do I want to be like that? Maybe I don't know who I want to be like in this context. I want to be sure again.....

I'm talking about me here, people....not you...unless I say that I am. :)