Starting Over

Ryan and I went on a 'date' last night, as in a real one. It was great-We laughed and had fun and talked about some of the bigger stuff for a little while, but then also just went with it. It was great. I must admit that I feel a nervousness about me now, wondering what will come next. I'm excited but also a little scared, hoping this is the right move. It felt right last night. I hope this will work out....I almost feel the way I would if we had just met and had a great first date-hoping for more.

Everything

Can I be everything in this? I want to be....that's a start. Starting is what matters.

Moving Forward

I suppose my instincts were right when all these blessings came into my life in the last 6 months...something was bound to go wrong, and it would be something massive.

My 7 year relationship, almost all happy and fun and joy and companionship, has dissolved. I suppose it has been a few months that this has been progressing, and part of me saw it. The other part of me wanted so badly for it to not be true. Hell...I don't even know what true is anymore.

But I'm not special, I'm no exceptional story-this is the tale that has been told a million times in coffee shops and on phones and in emails and I am sure on numerous other blogs. The end of an era is a common occurrence.

I have spent over 1/4 of my life thus far with him. I did so because I felt there was a future in it...and for the longest time there was no reason to doubt that. Now, there is no clarity and no comfort. Just me and the cat.

But it's okay. There are many things I am unsure of now, but I am sure that I must carry on. I have no idea what life will look like in 6 months-what will have transpired, what will have happened with this and everything else. I just don't know, I can't know. Big plans don't make much sense right now. I have to take this day by day.

For today, I will continue to steel myself and find comfort in little moments, few and far between as they may be.

When do you let go and when do you hold on tighter? I just feel like I don't know anymore. At what point is a relationship simply done? If you've had many good years with someone, how do you judge if (when things get hard) it is just a challenge or it it is the indication that the relationship has reached its natural conclusion? When do you stop fighting, when do you fight harder? I feel like I can't find the answers in either heart or mind this time.
I want it to be good again, I want both of us to care enough to work for it...but if we don't, or if one does and one doesn't....there's nothing that can be done, right?

Maybe I need to go away for a while-go sit on a beach somewhere and lose life all together. But then wouldn't I be just running away? Do I want to be like that? Maybe I don't know who I want to be like in this context. I want to be sure again.....