Forever can never be long enough for me
Feel like I've had long enough with you
Forget the world now we won't let them see
But there's one thing left to do

Now that the weight has lifted
Love has surely shifted my way

Marry Me
Today and every day
Marry Me
If I ever get the nerve to say
Hello in this cafe
Say you will


Together can never be close enough for me
Feel like I am close enough to you
You wear white and I'll wear out the words I love
And you're beautiful

Now that the wait is over
And love and has finally shown her my way

Marry me
Today and every day
Marry me
If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you will

Promise me
You'll always be
Happy by my side
I promise to
Sing to you
When all the music dies

Christmas this year was a whirlwind of emotions. Much of that was my own doing, some was others. Fortunately the outcome was the long-needed reaching of common ground. Finally we have come to understand each other and embraced the opportunity to move forward with that understanding. We have broken down many of the walls, there are more to break and there will always be throughout the course of life, but together we have the strength to breach them, that I can see now. An exciting future lies ahead, with challenges and joys and all those things which make a life worth living. 2011 here we come!

This morning it's a headache and nausea for me. Coupled with weather conditions that are festive but make the walk back to my car less that fun, I am counting the hours until I can go home. It's about three at this point.....

Sometimes I lose sight of where we are. For a moment or two I'll forget that things are not certain right now, that the events of days to come could steer this in either of the two possible directions. I am trying, I really am.
I'm trying to give this patience and care and deliberation. I am looking at it in terms of my future much more earnestly than I have before. It is time for that, it must be that way should there be any hope. I can take solace that I am not afraid, even with all the uncertainty, I do not fear it, I only face it.

I'm finally feeling excited about Christmas coming. I'm looking forward to two evenings out in a row with my immediate and 'extended' families early next week. I think those events will find me much more cheerful and spirited about what is usually my favorite time of the year. I am also excited about the opportunity to get dressed up a bit. Here's to a (hopefully) wonderful holiday week.

I'm in love with this song, go listen to it.

Glitter in the Air
by Pink

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted?
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?

Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care"?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
The breath before the phrase

Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone

Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?

I wonder-at what point we cease the vagueries and implicit, passive comments and begin to clearly say what we need? Or perhaps we make the choice to live our lives in assumptions. That's not what I want-I want candor and the conscious choice to be true to ourselves and each other and be present because we really want it-or not, for the same reason.

Clara

She who is a light
in the darkest, loneliest spaces.
She is the spawn of my soul
the daughter unborn to the world.

She is an unstoppable force-
furious and clever
and full of hope and kindness.

She is stronger than those who came before her,
and all the best pieces of those who make her.
She's the product of our lessons and our struggles.

She is inside me
somewhere,
waiting her turn so patiently-
waiting
to be welcomed into many joyous
and relieved arms.

She is waiting
for my time to come,
and for all my years of discovery
to be placed gently and lovingly
into her first determined breaths.

I had a very baby-heavy weekend. Two nights in a row spent at holiday gatherings with infants involved. I even had the privelege of one of them falling asleep on me. Makes me think I will be wanting one in a while. Not sure just how long, but not terribly long, maybe 1 1/2-2 years at the most...if other important pre-requisites are met. Of course, you never can control what can happen in life...maybe I'll have to wait much longer for one reason or another. At least I have it in my mind now that I am capable of it and can see that goal ahead of me, not so far away.

How much do you allow yourself to assume that someone will know what you want without you straight out saying it in no uncertain terms? I'm struggling with that right now. I can't wait forever, especially for something which is relatively simple when examined against the true trials in a lifetime.
I also ask myself if perhaps I do need to make it inescapably clear, because failing to do so may be unfair to both parties. I just don't know. Part of me wants the other to be a hero for me, part of me thinks I need to be for myself. I'm really torn over this and eventually I will have to do something about it.

2010 has been an amazing growth year for me. I have accomplished a massive graduate application, full time status at my work with full benefits and subsequent 10K dollar yearly pay increase. I finally learned to stand back up on my own after falling on skis (and hit the blue runs on two separate days.) I've experienced the emotional growing pains of that pivotal age of 25 in many ways. I have come to understand myself and my needs, and the goals I wish to achieve in the next 4 years as I see 26 rapidly approaching. I've been through joys and traumas in my intimate relationship which have lead me down a new path. This path will either result in a lifetime of great happiness, work, commitment and rewards, or in the difficult but crucial process of grieving, moving on and opening myself up once more to new love. Either way, I trust in the process and that nature will take it's best course, and the life I am capable of will become reality.

I am proud yet curious about my recent drive to revisit my physical self. I realize that for a couple years I have been only vaguely and briefly catching back in that sense. Since recent developments, I have found the prompt to regain respect for the body that holds me. For quite a while I have paid it insufficient attention. I suppose I was more focused on my mind and the fine-tuning it needed while I was preparing that profound life maneuver of the graduate school application. Now that I have finished attending to that, I am returning to my top down existence. Now over three weeks into a gradual yet noticeable weight loss, I am discovering angles and curves which were dampened since I left my teenage years. I am pleased to be reexamining these things which were given to me by nature but which I neglected to some extent.
I've also been 'playing' with my potential. I've spend several hours now on little enhancements which have made me feel more lovely even when I haven't the time to primp myself before I rush off to my work day. Last weekend I took my second attempt at a french manicure in nearly 26 years of existence. Now I think I know why my Mum has insisted upon maintaining her naturally long nails for decades-it makes one's hands more refined, even in movement. Now every simplistic action such as the stroke of a key at my computer or the movements of my hands when I talk is more graceful and attractive. I rarely thought my hands could be sexy!
I spent yesterday evening tinting my brunette hair with the tiniest suggestion of burgundy red, just enough to be noticed in a flash of sunlight and to lend a warm contrast to my ever so aqua-toned, pale skin. It's quite lovely, subtle and classic yet rebellious in the slightest way.
It may seem the superficial, self-absorbed musings of a vain woman.I think of it rather as those of a woman about to enter her later twenties and realizing she had better attend to herself every so often, if not me then who will?! I've got a great deal of living to do so I suppose I might as well look and feel good doing it!

Today is dreary. It looks like London out there.

I'm a little disconcerted lately with my lack of usual Christmas cheer. I suppose I have fair reason for feeling dampened, but I was hoping it would have struck me a bit more noticeably by now. I suppose once I actually force myself to start shopping I will find the motivation....or not.I think part of my problem is that I am suffering from a case of 'great expectations' for the future of my relationship. I am hoping that the Christmas season will bring a little needed boost and perhaps prompt an even more profound point of growth. I am also a bit torn over whether or not I should be the one to promote that growth moment or just have a little faith that it will happen without me putting any pressure at all upon it. I prefer it that way, but life isn't perfect. Sometimes we must make our needs and desires more evident. I am trying, that I can be sure of. Most of all, I am trying to be patient...but not too patient...whatever that means (I guess my 'heart' will tell me that.)
For now I must find the day to day moments which remind me that this is supposed to be my favorite time of the year. I need to start enacting the generosity side of it-the giving...that is what this season is about-that moment of providing for the one's you love and finding it more fulfilling than ever providing for yourself. I need something to move me, perhaps that will.

I've been thinking today....thinking about that girl in the Across the Universe, how he leaves her and then ends up back to Liverpool one day and she's married and pregnant and moving on with her life. I realize that if we ended this then someday I would surely be that girl who has married someone else and had children and such, and that makes me very sad and I don't know why.
It makes me sad to think of being married to someone else and having someone else's babies. It makes me sad to think that I would have lost the chance to do that with you, but at the same time I know that I have do do it somehow. I can't sit around and wait for the opportunity to move forward with all of that, yet the thought of having to do so with anyone else feels so totally wrong. It's almost sickening....like I would be betraying nature itself, going against the fabric of my future. This is a new feeling, struck me like a hammer. There's something so distorted about a life without you-like a violation of everything that's right. It scares the hell out of me, suddenly. Just days ago it would not have......what's going on? Where is this suddenly coming from? I feel like all my power is frozen.

I'm thankful for open, honest communication. In times of challenges, especially those which are profound and new in many ways, the ability to be candid with those involved is so helpful. I am happy that I can speak my mind and heart without fear and that I know that information will be treated respectfully. I am also happy that I can hear honesty and not dread it or its implications.
Although I don't know the answers yet, each time the communication is used, the path seems a bit less strange and unfriendly. I know that time will tell what happens, and I also know that there is not an unlimited amount of time. Eventually the path will make itself evident, that does not mean it will no longer be difficult, but at least there will be more joy in the experience.

Growing pains are the crucial symptom of normative development. Normally we think of these as physiological aches, but rarely as emotional struggles. In fact, it seems that the most impactful growing pains are within our own minds. These are the psychological and emotional aches of coming to realize what we want and need from our lives and the work required to bring those concepts to fruition. But, just as the physical growing pains lead to a stronger, sounder body, the mental ones lead to a more whole emotional self.

I've been thinking more clearly and concretely about my goals and needs for my life to be my vision of a happy one. In fact, I even wrote it down during some quiet time at work today. It was a very relieving and empowering exercise-to feel like I can make it tangible. Before it was just an abstract, which is too plastic and vulnerable to the sorts of influences that would destroy it. Now, it is there, on paper, like a contract to myself and those who intend to be in my life.

I guess this is the only place I write poetry these days-I've grown out of it in many ways, but every so often something comes around.

I am the shelter
for myself
the womb for my own world
whatever that will look like
when my life reaches its end

"I'm sure that at some time in the course of history there were two snowflakes that were alike."
-Rob Kent (the guy in the office across from me.)

The windows are shattering
The floors peeling up and
The doors only hanging
From broken hinges

The bulldozers are on their way
To clear the bustling city that was built
Upon “us.”

Feeling a little terrified today-each day I get closer to this confounded test, the more tension I feel.

A little re-direction always helps....

"When facing a difficult task, act as though it is impossible to fail. If you're going after Moby Dick, take along the tartar sauce."

-H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

This is a quote from "Life's Little Instruction Book" by the author above. There are several editions of this book, which was essentially a litany of 'pearls of wisdom' from the author to his son as he was about to leave home for college. What began as a few dozen suggestions transformed into thousands of mantras for living the most 'whole' life. I highly recommend these books, especially if you are in a challenging transitional stage in life like myself. They will offer insights and humor, and may just be the prompt for a change in the pattern of thinking, feeling or behaving that could help clear the confusion.

Procrastination

I've always prided myself upon being well-prepared for anything. Here I am approximately 12 days away from taking the largest standardized test I've ever faced in order to be an acceptable graduate student. I started the preparatory process in January and have had punctuations of dilligent study amidst light, drawn out studying. Now I am coming down to the wire and having marked trouble motivating myself to spend several hours a day reading over the thick study guide I fashioned from hundreds of pages of texts. I want to do this once and do it right...but am I already too late? Can I really fill in the remaining gaps in 11 days and a handful of hours? I suppose this is one of those 'put up or shut up' moments,' which means I have to get my ass to work....

Today I want to talk about fear...not spiders or snakes or plane crashes. I mean the real, seemingly banal fears we all have about our lives. You know you have them, yet you never take the time to address them directly. Humans don't like to do things that make them uncomfortable, but often the end result is a sense of peace and reasoning which would otherwise elude us.
So...what are my fears? I am afraid that my career plans will flop and the self I had imagined in that most ideal of contexts will never come to fruition. I am afraid that my living situation will be challenged and pressured by other individuals who have already made it occasionally less than pleasant. I am afraid that my goal of a healthy and functional family for myself will fall through the cracks due to complications of life as it is now and may be for the next few years. I am afraid that I will not provide the things I want for said family if it does happen. I am afraid that I may not be able to find the solutions for some of my problems and that things in my life that I cherish may be lost because of that. I am also afraid of being afraid, I do not want to live my life that way. I refuse to. I must remain resilient.

>whew<
Okay, so....what are your fears? Go ahead, you'll be amazed at how clearer the air feels after you blow out all the shit.

I'm trying to think of logical reasons why we engage in celebratory events for the sake of friends and family when we have no personal desire to do so. I am throwing a little birthday dinner party together for my guy and it has managed to balloon out to potentially his whole immediate family attending as well. I suppose I am fin with that-it means more work that I had expected, but I can manage. The part that baffles me is his admission that he is only doing this for his family, not for himself. I informed him that there's no need to go through with it if he would rather be doing other things with his time-it is his birthday after all. He insisted we go ahead but I feel a bit like he is being dragged into what will likely be a tense meal with his family and mine in which he will only grudgingly engage. That sound like no fun, for him or anyone else. I would certainly rather have a night free of hosting than have to play that role if he has no real interest in the product. Last time I checked, I was doing this for him-to give him a few hours off from his crazy busy life to enjoy a beer and some home-cooked food...both things he loves.
So, the question of the day is-why do we plan for such measures of pomp and circumstance when in reality no one really wants to be involved? Likely, life would be more pleasant, less stressful and more satisfying if we did not push such measures, right? So where is the motive to create tension where there does not have to be any?

Hi There.
I've decided to join the 'blogosphere?' Is that what it's called? I've also decided that I am not doing this for myself so much as for others who may read what I write here. I am diligently working towards a graduate degree in counseling and I think I rather like the idea of a space where I can share the insights I gain from others and myself. I often find that amidst the most vexing circumstances, the clear and clever thoughts of others can be a significant relief. I am certainly awash in challenging life circumstances these days, and I am sure you are as well. Hopefully this can be a place to examine those issues and gain a perspective that would be impossible to attain alone. Feel free to catch me on facebook (Paige Zuckerman) or email me at thepoet85_2@hotmail.com. No...I don't write poetry much anymore.